For 12 years we remained separated. And in those 12 years i was scared to even call him, as while i did not know the circumstances or events transpiring in his life immediately after, i felt in my very heart it was not well. i wished to not be a source of his pain any longer as my choice had brought such. A naive choice, yet a choice still. And i hurt thinking of his hurt. And i let him go, hoping in doing so he would find true happiness; he would go on and find another that could bring him the joy in which i hindered. And i would be happy for him, because he was happy. All i wished was for his happiness.

It is quite funny now, more ironic than anything. In the 12 years we spent apart, our lives lead us down separate paths in which were merely the same. Both of us looking for the same love we shared, in others, leading us through a long series of hurtful relationships, which inevitably turned into casual encounters for sexual pleasure and satisfying basic need. Yet none shared the same communication, the same give and take we natural had between us, none seemed to fit as well or as perfectly as we did even as children. We both grew though, in other ways. In understanding of the world, and in our capabilities as individuals. 

5 months ago i was plainly scared of the situation in which i had come to. After all the years of   strength and forging ahead in todays way of women, and then to have all of it taken away from me literally not by my own doing, but His. After the process of literal training in the way of what a woman should be. As it was put to me in words in order to get through my thick skull "A woman is to cook, clean and fuck." And "I am making you an 8 cow wife" in biblical terms, and "Do you see that which i surround myself with?" Meaning His art work and simplicity of our living, "Do you not think I would choose my wife to be of similar nature?" in which He was teaching me. And then guided for the rest of my training in the care of a large home and children. After being brought down hard to humility, and then being built back up to understand my greatest joy is giving in to being a submissive or surrendered wife where in the man is to be my guidance and provide my direction, 5 months ago i was left uncovered and bare, with no guidance. As i had determined the man in which i gave myself to was not worthy because of his tendency of verbal abuse which often lead to fear of my own safety, which is not Ok. There is a line of discernment to be made, in which if there is fear of ones own safety, it is rightful to move beyond a man creating such fear, in which he is not honoring your gift to him of your life. Nor is he worthy of the gift if he is not capable of cherishing it. It was a hard lesson.

i sought answers, i was open and honest in my confusion and desires in finding direction. i looked at and considered every avenue. i went to work, and to my dismay found i could not return to who i once was in the same format, for i had changed. And it was a change that could not be crossed back over again. The change was permanent and here to stay. In the midst of confusion, everyone telling me an assortment of different things, my roommate had me consider part time duty with the reserves. It was an option. And in this consideration the memories came flooding back, along with the fear 12 years persisting of Him. Yet i knew He would still be in, and could offer an objective perspective regarding women and the military. i knew He would have the answer i sought, in which great peace befell me in this. And after 12 years i finally called His mother, in which the conversation was the best conversation i had had for some time. And in days He was writing me. And in His first letter i did not know what to think as he asked a very loaded question "How are you? And how has life been treating you?"

i truly just wanted information regarding the military, as i held tight to the desire of his happiness, and not wanting to cause him any pain as i felt i had already done enough a very long time ago. And i answered with questions of the military. Over the next couple of days my feelings were persistent for Him, in which i was desperately trying to deny. Yet with their persistence, i finally gave in and allowed the feelings to have their way. And in turn felt it only right to be forward in such with Him. i wrote him again with all of the elements of my heart, from the happenings of 12 years ago until that day. And once completed i felt very humbled in doing so, yet it felt good and right, and there was nothing left, but to be acceptant of my feelings and how it was i handled them, in which all of it felt like relief. And i found quiet happiness.

i knew the inevitable was coming. He wrote back and told me all of which had happened to Him shortly after our last phone call, and i doubled over after reading such in the greatest pain. And i cried. He told me of the years after in which no woman has treated him properly since, and a cried more that others have caused Him more pain. i was angry that i stepped aside and no one filled the love or joy in His life He deserved. And His anger then directed at me for His hurt and pain, in which i understood. And in response i accepted and fully explained i understood, yet also explained if all of his words were true, then it was in my better interest not to have married Him, for if His love was too great for too many of women to choose from, then i would have found out the hard way through His cheating. He was pushing me away, and i pushed back only enough to help Him understand my worth.

For days He fell silent, in which i understood and was simply grateful for the communication in finding out that i did not belong in the military, and to know after all of these years of His well being in regards to His accomplishments in the military. i left it as such, and accepted the responsibility of my naive actions from many years ago. i continued to move forward, and was on my way to a loving family in my understanding back east. Hours before leaving for my new home, i was online for one last chat with my new family. And to my great surprise He came online and asked "are you still speaking to me?". And the answer was of course yes. i had no hard feelings towards Him, and i understood. And He asked me what it was i was doing, and i explained to Him my plans for the future and moving forward, in sincerity and honesty. And He broke. He finally broke and gave into Love. He did not want to lose me. He considered all of this time that i would be the mother of His children, and could never see of out of lack of desire for any other, that anyone else would be suitable. He did not want anyone else to have me. And in the moments of discussion between us, He made our choice and sent me home to His parents to wait for His arrival... 

Months i spent here in contemplation and preparation while taking care of His mother, with little outside influence and fully protected, as was His desire for me. Many discussion occurred daily, and we began to know of each other and our life experiences that coincided with each other. And in understanding who i have become, and in understanding He has developed more fully into the amazing man i knew He would become, the deep sense feeling even from the time of 15 years old filled both of us again. And on the day of His arrival, walking towards His parents at the airport, i heard a voice behind me say my name, and when i turned His blue eyes stood inches away from my face, and i jumped with joy right into His arms, held on tight feeling his arms around my waist, and i simply cried. And looking at Him, his eyes began to fill with tears. And i wanted nothing more to simply be in our hotel room finally together and alone.

We went through all of the necessities of meeting and greeting those who love Him. We went to dinner after delivering another troop safely to his destination and to his wife. And we began the drive home. Much of the time we simply took ourselves to staring at each other, holding each others hands, wrapping our arms around each other, kissing when an opportunity. We both wished to ignore the world, though the time was not completely yet.  

Upon arriving to our final destination, we delivered the parents back home and gladly began our journey to our own destination. Upon entering our abode where the world no longer crowded in, He took me in his arms and deeply kissed me. i felt my senses heighten, and His soft tongue urgently demanding mine in return. He then asked for a shower as the flight was days long, and turned to the bathroom, taking my hand and i followed. We undressed, He turned the shower on, wet His body, and looking at me He wrapped His arms around me, pulled me close without hesitation, and i felt the desire build, the overwhelming sense to taste Him and be felt by Him, from my lips to my nipples. And His mouth found me easily, again with His soft tongue, and my hands searched His skin, His body, finally having Him near for the first time in such a very long time. And He turned me facing the wall with the water streaming down, and i gladly spread my legs and turned my bottom for His ease, all the while aching for Him. And i felt Him enter me, and i felt such deep love and desire pouring from Him, and i heard Him say "Oh God!"  as He moved with desiring force in me. And each moment on my toes with my offering to Him, i felt complete surrender, and an overwhelming sense and flood of joy, though could not tell if it was the water or me and my emotions. It did not matter, the feelings persisted. And He cried my name, and i felt Him jerk, and His pause, and His consistent release, and it filled me deeply as He remained in me deeply, and for moments He leaned against me, His arms wrapping tightly around my body, and the words "i love you!" and the tears flowing. And i thought of how true to His word He was, as He insisted upon children as immediately as possible, and His fulfillment even from our first moments together. And i turned to face Him, with His blue eyes wide and deep fulfillment in His desire residing within them, and He guided us to the floor insisting upon my arms surrounding Him closely, and i held Him and He let go and cried in my arms, as things Had come full circle and He was home again, and wanted solely just be home.