Sunday, January 6, 2008

It is two days before i move. And i have considered much during this time of reflection and contemplation. Moments ago a very clear and concise thought came to mind, as i was trying to find the words to most describe this recent time period. What i  have learned: Most of the population does not deserve to receive surrender, as it will abuse the privilege. 

i am rather caught of guard by such, as i have lived my life openly and givingly  all of my life. However, through doing so the consequences have been great in  that most people do not understand the value of a person willing to give all, and in consequence create a negative impact on such a person by taking too much of their energy and life force in order to fill their insatiable desire of want. People are greedy. And it is rather highly unbecoming of a people that state they want peace and balance.



It isn't a far stretch of wonder to understand why women are seeking men whom are capable of respecting and treating well the trust that is placed  within them. Are you worthy? And if you are, then you would accept the  process of testing in understanding that abiding by things which are good, you are rewarded. Rewarded with the one of the best of wives that could be found. But, you must earn that trust. 



It isn't any wonder why after finding such a man, women are choosing to live in such sanctity within the boundaries of their own home. Venturing out when it is pleasing to do so for the families sake. And most often than not, carrying that sanctity into the world in vibrance with such a man  beside her, as with him she is safe to do so, and none can harm her. Otherwise alone, she must stand on guard for the sake of respect in her own value.



Men seem to find it acceptable that their natural urges, while unbelievably beautiful, are solely the source of obligation to be attended to, in which is error in thought! If you are unwilling to live up to the obligations of love, you do not deserve to have sex! 

Seeking worthy men of good action is a worthy pursuit. And gladly opening in trust once he is recognized is the sweetest thing in all of life. However, i do believe it is ok to be cautious of others until their true character is found to be worthy of the surrender and the gift that resides within... In this current world, i believe it is a prerequisite. 

As i write this i consider thoughts of the past in that i believed while growing older, i would never surrender to such a cynical view point of life. i did not subscribe to caution, and believed doing so would be an error and sign in lack of trust in the perfection of life. i still believe in life's perfection, however value my place within it more so... Like a permeable skin, our choices are responsible for the things which we receive and give. If it be of good or bad nature, it is because we chose it. 

  



 

Saturday, December 22, 2007

i feel it necessary again to post tonight. i have somewhat covered a limited portion of the past, and much will be added over time as a necessary tool for my mind to understand the intricacies of my experience, in which instinctually i feel an overwhelming sense of joy...  i do not understand why, but i understand it is ahead through my efforts, and inside i feel this unfamiliar feeling of a happiness and joy. While currently inexplicable, it is like something propelling me forward... 

There are also other things to begin considering at this time. if i am to begin my own formation, in which i have sensed for sometime deep within me a natural urging, then i must consider the aspects in which would serve my becoming. 


There is much to consider as much will be changing from here until i do not know when. and i think a part of this process is finding the beauty during the changes, from enduring this environment that does not offer much of the opportunity in properly maintaining ones self (today the pipes are frozen and a bath is not available, which is not conducive to my efforts.)to shortly being in a new environment without my guidance in my presence, with new people whom i have never met before, to shortly after having the process of selling a house and establishing a new place to live, while developing myself and establishing our relationship amidst the changes. A part of me yearns deeply for stability. One place for a long time with one man to Love forever. It will be soon it seems. Within 8 months. And so it is finding beauty in the transition.

The state of constant arousal in the soul seems quite necessary. And indeed, the thought of obtaining and maintaining its capability quite makes me happy! So, i do believe this is a goal. Through it i am sure to see the beauties in the world constantly, especially in all of the encompassing change. Though direction in this might be needed. i am very thirsty for knowledge and understanding. 

i do believe the calendar journal will be an absolute life saver, as days in advance i could plan my schedule as will be needed with so many changes. Another goal: maintaining the calendar.

i know at this time the beauty in which i achieved has taken a downfall for many reasons. 1. the demands placed upon me during this transition and the constant needs of others before my own, in which is being rectified. 2. the surroundings in which i am in. (i read most recently that water seeks water, and we become the level in which we are surrounded by. In which the level i have been surrounded in has brought me down to it's level heavily.) But even in this, i am actually quite happy, because as i rebuild with my Love, my beauty will flourish once again, most likely in a different and better way. So, in this it is my place to be acceptant of my process, knowing that i am doing the best i am capable of. And with time and patience with myself, everything will naturally fall into place. Another goal. Patience with myself.

The need for transparency. i would like the opportunity for independent disciplines and accountability in the form of internal disciplines declaration. i feel the accountability to others and the opportunity of supporting others is a further opportunity to deepen my commitment and forward formation and progression. Another goal: Independent disciplines and accountability.

The need for communication with others in regards to sustaining a long distance relationship. it will be short term, only 4 months into the new year. However, it is greatly needed at this time. Another goal in retrospect.

And, the need to be participating with other women whom are developing themselves currently for the future they will have when He comes. Not married quiet yet! LoL. Their insight would be heart warming. Another goal.

i believe this should suffice for now. 6 goals.

1. state of constant arousal
2. maintaining the calendar
3. patience with myself
4. independent disciplines and accountability
5. beginning communication with others in long distance relationships
6. beginning communication with others in preparation 

The only question that remains would be the advice of others, in that i wonder if these goals are too much for one sitting in establishing goals. i do not believe so, though i have always been one to take much upon myself, and would like an objective perspective in order that i me see my goal setting is practical or not.

thanks! 

love always  
For 12 years we remained separated. And in those 12 years i was scared to even call him, as while i did not know the circumstances or events transpiring in his life immediately after, i felt in my very heart it was not well. i wished to not be a source of his pain any longer as my choice had brought such. A naive choice, yet a choice still. And i hurt thinking of his hurt. And i let him go, hoping in doing so he would find true happiness; he would go on and find another that could bring him the joy in which i hindered. And i would be happy for him, because he was happy. All i wished was for his happiness.

It is quite funny now, more ironic than anything. In the 12 years we spent apart, our lives lead us down separate paths in which were merely the same. Both of us looking for the same love we shared, in others, leading us through a long series of hurtful relationships, which inevitably turned into casual encounters for sexual pleasure and satisfying basic need. Yet none shared the same communication, the same give and take we natural had between us, none seemed to fit as well or as perfectly as we did even as children. We both grew though, in other ways. In understanding of the world, and in our capabilities as individuals. 

5 months ago i was plainly scared of the situation in which i had come to. After all the years of   strength and forging ahead in todays way of women, and then to have all of it taken away from me literally not by my own doing, but His. After the process of literal training in the way of what a woman should be. As it was put to me in words in order to get through my thick skull "A woman is to cook, clean and fuck." And "I am making you an 8 cow wife" in biblical terms, and "Do you see that which i surround myself with?" Meaning His art work and simplicity of our living, "Do you not think I would choose my wife to be of similar nature?" in which He was teaching me. And then guided for the rest of my training in the care of a large home and children. After being brought down hard to humility, and then being built back up to understand my greatest joy is giving in to being a submissive or surrendered wife where in the man is to be my guidance and provide my direction, 5 months ago i was left uncovered and bare, with no guidance. As i had determined the man in which i gave myself to was not worthy because of his tendency of verbal abuse which often lead to fear of my own safety, which is not Ok. There is a line of discernment to be made, in which if there is fear of ones own safety, it is rightful to move beyond a man creating such fear, in which he is not honoring your gift to him of your life. Nor is he worthy of the gift if he is not capable of cherishing it. It was a hard lesson.

i sought answers, i was open and honest in my confusion and desires in finding direction. i looked at and considered every avenue. i went to work, and to my dismay found i could not return to who i once was in the same format, for i had changed. And it was a change that could not be crossed back over again. The change was permanent and here to stay. In the midst of confusion, everyone telling me an assortment of different things, my roommate had me consider part time duty with the reserves. It was an option. And in this consideration the memories came flooding back, along with the fear 12 years persisting of Him. Yet i knew He would still be in, and could offer an objective perspective regarding women and the military. i knew He would have the answer i sought, in which great peace befell me in this. And after 12 years i finally called His mother, in which the conversation was the best conversation i had had for some time. And in days He was writing me. And in His first letter i did not know what to think as he asked a very loaded question "How are you? And how has life been treating you?"

i truly just wanted information regarding the military, as i held tight to the desire of his happiness, and not wanting to cause him any pain as i felt i had already done enough a very long time ago. And i answered with questions of the military. Over the next couple of days my feelings were persistent for Him, in which i was desperately trying to deny. Yet with their persistence, i finally gave in and allowed the feelings to have their way. And in turn felt it only right to be forward in such with Him. i wrote him again with all of the elements of my heart, from the happenings of 12 years ago until that day. And once completed i felt very humbled in doing so, yet it felt good and right, and there was nothing left, but to be acceptant of my feelings and how it was i handled them, in which all of it felt like relief. And i found quiet happiness.

i knew the inevitable was coming. He wrote back and told me all of which had happened to Him shortly after our last phone call, and i doubled over after reading such in the greatest pain. And i cried. He told me of the years after in which no woman has treated him properly since, and a cried more that others have caused Him more pain. i was angry that i stepped aside and no one filled the love or joy in His life He deserved. And His anger then directed at me for His hurt and pain, in which i understood. And in response i accepted and fully explained i understood, yet also explained if all of his words were true, then it was in my better interest not to have married Him, for if His love was too great for too many of women to choose from, then i would have found out the hard way through His cheating. He was pushing me away, and i pushed back only enough to help Him understand my worth.

For days He fell silent, in which i understood and was simply grateful for the communication in finding out that i did not belong in the military, and to know after all of these years of His well being in regards to His accomplishments in the military. i left it as such, and accepted the responsibility of my naive actions from many years ago. i continued to move forward, and was on my way to a loving family in my understanding back east. Hours before leaving for my new home, i was online for one last chat with my new family. And to my great surprise He came online and asked "are you still speaking to me?". And the answer was of course yes. i had no hard feelings towards Him, and i understood. And He asked me what it was i was doing, and i explained to Him my plans for the future and moving forward, in sincerity and honesty. And He broke. He finally broke and gave into Love. He did not want to lose me. He considered all of this time that i would be the mother of His children, and could never see of out of lack of desire for any other, that anyone else would be suitable. He did not want anyone else to have me. And in the moments of discussion between us, He made our choice and sent me home to His parents to wait for His arrival... 

Months i spent here in contemplation and preparation while taking care of His mother, with little outside influence and fully protected, as was His desire for me. Many discussion occurred daily, and we began to know of each other and our life experiences that coincided with each other. And in understanding who i have become, and in understanding He has developed more fully into the amazing man i knew He would become, the deep sense feeling even from the time of 15 years old filled both of us again. And on the day of His arrival, walking towards His parents at the airport, i heard a voice behind me say my name, and when i turned His blue eyes stood inches away from my face, and i jumped with joy right into His arms, held on tight feeling his arms around my waist, and i simply cried. And looking at Him, his eyes began to fill with tears. And i wanted nothing more to simply be in our hotel room finally together and alone.

We went through all of the necessities of meeting and greeting those who love Him. We went to dinner after delivering another troop safely to his destination and to his wife. And we began the drive home. Much of the time we simply took ourselves to staring at each other, holding each others hands, wrapping our arms around each other, kissing when an opportunity. We both wished to ignore the world, though the time was not completely yet.  

Upon arriving to our final destination, we delivered the parents back home and gladly began our journey to our own destination. Upon entering our abode where the world no longer crowded in, He took me in his arms and deeply kissed me. i felt my senses heighten, and His soft tongue urgently demanding mine in return. He then asked for a shower as the flight was days long, and turned to the bathroom, taking my hand and i followed. We undressed, He turned the shower on, wet His body, and looking at me He wrapped His arms around me, pulled me close without hesitation, and i felt the desire build, the overwhelming sense to taste Him and be felt by Him, from my lips to my nipples. And His mouth found me easily, again with His soft tongue, and my hands searched His skin, His body, finally having Him near for the first time in such a very long time. And He turned me facing the wall with the water streaming down, and i gladly spread my legs and turned my bottom for His ease, all the while aching for Him. And i felt Him enter me, and i felt such deep love and desire pouring from Him, and i heard Him say "Oh God!"  as He moved with desiring force in me. And each moment on my toes with my offering to Him, i felt complete surrender, and an overwhelming sense and flood of joy, though could not tell if it was the water or me and my emotions. It did not matter, the feelings persisted. And He cried my name, and i felt Him jerk, and His pause, and His consistent release, and it filled me deeply as He remained in me deeply, and for moments He leaned against me, His arms wrapping tightly around my body, and the words "i love you!" and the tears flowing. And i thought of how true to His word He was, as He insisted upon children as immediately as possible, and His fulfillment even from our first moments together. And i turned to face Him, with His blue eyes wide and deep fulfillment in His desire residing within them, and He guided us to the floor insisting upon my arms surrounding Him closely, and i held Him and He let go and cried in my arms, as things Had come full circle and He was home again, and wanted solely just be home. 
 

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

What women's lib left behind

Four months ago the confusion weighed heavy enough for me to break. Brought up in a societal structure that no longer values the distinct roles each gender was intended for, at the age of 18 i did not hold the skills or the knowledge necessary to recognize my opportunity in becoming everything i eventually would discover i wanted to be. Women of the past and their desire to be of independence created an unforeseen effect upon future generations; our choices being limited by the sweeping concept of women's lib, covering with its desire what was - the option of a home and a family inside, where man and wife loved their roles and co existed peacefully life long, with children having such an example to begin leading their lives by.

He cried from the very depths of his soul. The tears fell without permission. Something from within seemed to override any choice or want he might have in appearing strong. His soul wept, and there was nothing his physical body could do about it. i laid beside him, overcome with worry that i could not console his fears. "Honey! What's wrong?" i said. And he replied "I don't know! Something just doesn't feel right!". 

The few months prior, and before our graduation, i found myself watching those around us. The joy, the laughter and the preparation for future events unfolding. College was the most prevalent choice for both young men and women. And it made me smile to be witness of their experience. i turned in observation of the one person in my life whom had filled me with inexplicable feelings since the tender age of 15; and he too was preparing for the future. To every which way i looked, everyone surrounding me had a plan. Accept, for myself. And the year coming to a close, while in the midst of my schooling, was spent learning from his mother how to fold his underwear just right, ironing his jeans to ensure his appearance was well, and maintaining a kitchen. The education itself was not placed in terms understandable enough to overcome the 16 years of prior information; that i was being prepared to be his wife. i wore a ring on my finger, yet was raised to believe woman were to achieve things beyond marriage. That marriage in itself was not worthy enough of a bright and intelligent woman.  I felt to be of lesser value. That without such a direction as others were taking, and without achieving success in a foreign atmosphere, i could not be considered the value i knew he deserved. The value i wanted him to have, as all i wished was for his happiness and to be his equal, in which i knew he would achieve great things. And in order to do so, i turned to his actions as my guidance.

The next day he was leaving for his first three months of his life long career in the military. Shortly after, i was leaving for my own training process in the branch of military i considered most suitable for my capabilities, as a woman. And i remember him gently questioning me, "Are you sure we'll be able to be together through this?", and my blindly faithful heart believing in good things answered  "Yes" with a gentle smile.

A third done with my training, it solidified within my understanding that we indeed would remain apart the remainder of our careers. And i felt like i was dying inside. Being in the position to hold the highest responsibility a recruit could be given with a company of 50 men and women; as my commander had made it clear since the first week of training i was his focal point in which his company would run smooth because of my efforts; i died inside to survive. And upon our last phone call, i coldly let him go with the inability to be communicative enough as to why. i was too young to know how...

This is enough for now. My heart hurts to remember this portion of the past...

And i am so grateful for this life, and how god knows to correct our path. In due time he brings right and clear understanding through our most vulnerable state to learn, and builds us up to better than we would have been before. As a dear friend once said "The most precious stones and gems are made under the greatest pressure and stress, as are people."

love always, 
Michaels annie