He cried from the very depths of his soul. The tears fell without permission. Something from within seemed to override any choice or want he might have in appearing strong. His soul wept, and there was nothing his physical body could do about it. i laid beside him, overcome with worry that i could not console his fears. "Honey! What's wrong?" i said. And he replied "I don't know! Something just doesn't feel right!".
The few months prior, and before our graduation, i found myself watching those around us. The joy, the laughter and the preparation for future events unfolding. College was the most prevalent choice for both young men and women. And it made me smile to be witness of their experience. i turned in observation of the one person in my life whom had filled me with inexplicable feelings since the tender age of 15; and he too was preparing for the future. To every which way i looked, everyone surrounding me had a plan. Accept, for myself. And the year coming to a close, while in the midst of my schooling, was spent learning from his mother how to fold his underwear just right, ironing his jeans to ensure his appearance was well, and maintaining a kitchen. The education itself was not placed in terms understandable enough to overcome the 16 years of prior information; that i was being prepared to be his wife. i wore a ring on my finger, yet was raised to believe woman were to achieve things beyond marriage. That marriage in itself was not worthy enough of a bright and intelligent woman. I felt to be of lesser value. That without such a direction as others were taking, and without achieving success in a foreign atmosphere, i could not be considered the value i knew he deserved. The value i wanted him to have, as all i wished was for his happiness and to be his equal, in which i knew he would achieve great things. And in order to do so, i turned to his actions as my guidance.
The next day he was leaving for his first three months of his life long career in the military. Shortly after, i was leaving for my own training process in the branch of military i considered most suitable for my capabilities, as a woman. And i remember him gently questioning me, "Are you sure we'll be able to be together through this?", and my blindly faithful heart believing in good things answered "Yes" with a gentle smile.
A third done with my training, it solidified within my understanding that we indeed would remain apart the remainder of our careers. And i felt like i was dying inside. Being in the position to hold the highest responsibility a recruit could be given with a company of 50 men and women; as my commander had made it clear since the first week of training i was his focal point in which his company would run smooth because of my efforts; i died inside to survive. And upon our last phone call, i coldly let him go with the inability to be communicative enough as to why. i was too young to know how...
This is enough for now. My heart hurts to remember this portion of the past...
And i am so grateful for this life, and how god knows to correct our path. In due time he brings right and clear understanding through our most vulnerable state to learn, and builds us up to better than we would have been before. As a dear friend once said "The most precious stones and gems are made under the greatest pressure and stress, as are people."
love always,
Michaels annie
